The only thing I’m sure about is that ‘I exist’ and soon I won’t. This is not sad. I’m going to die. I want to face this as a fact. It is hard. I will die. Probably not today, but sometime soon. Very soon in the overall span of my time, but I’d like to live a little longer. There are things I want to accomplish. I wonder how accomplishing anything will have an impact on what is left. Wanting to accomplish anything in the face of my impermanence seems silly. But maybe not. What I want to accomplish, if accomplish is the right word, is love, connection, and friendship.
I didn’t worry about the time before I was born, so why should I worry about the time after I die. I came from star dust and I’ll return to star dust. The atoms that currently make up me at the remnants of stars, planets, rocks, animals, plants, and dead people from history and eventually some of the atoms that make up ‘me’ will be available to make up a very tiny part of many other future people. Wonder of wonders.
The final quiet. When it comes, I only worry about the suffering and pain in the transition. I don’t want to be in too much pain when the time comes. This is what scares me the most. I don’t plan on dying soon, but it could happen. I see the finality of my life. I worry about the people I will leave behind. I want them to remember me but soon enough I will be forgotten to the world. I have no children so my DNA will not be replicated. All the thoughts, ideas, gestures that I’ve shared have moved from mind to mind as genes move from body to body. Even those who have these memories will eventually die and the light of these will go out. All traces of ‘me’ and my short existence here will be gone.
I didn’t choose to be born. I didn’t choose the circumstances of my birth. I didn’t choose the overall trajectory of my life. I certainly didn’t choose all the fortunate luck I’ve had. I will not be able to choose the timing or the circumstances of my death.
I am grateful for all the love I’ve experienced and all the luck I’ve had. I’m grateful for my intelligence and wonder. I’ve had the opportunity to love and be loved, to laugh and cry. What more can you get in life? Eternity owes me nothing. As Saul Bellow said “Look for me in the weather reports.”